Posted by: neblinoso | January 29, 2010

Technically Speaking

Technology hates me.  I suppose it’s more the machines using the technology that hate me.  When robots rise to take over the world, i bet i’ll be the first on their TERMINATE list.  I’m already on my fourth room key.  The other night i returned from work to discover we  had to use our key cards again to access floors in the elevator. At some point during my previous trip, this was disabled.  A sign in the elevator apologized for any inconvenience.  No apology needed.  In fact, it made my life easier to not have to insert my card a million times before finally getting the green light.

A group of men stood around watching anxiously as i inserted my card and pulled it out.  Nothing.  I tried again. Nothing.  And again.  And again, nothing.  Finally, one of the men stepped in taking the card from my hand and tried it himself.  Was there a special technique i was not aware of?  A magic touch my fingers lacked?  It didn’t work for him either.  Another man poked his head in, opened a small door and turned some switch disabling the necessity for a key card.  Hallelujah!!

The next morning on my way down to breakfast there was an engineer in the elevator when it opened.  I say engineer only because he was dressed in the official hotel engineer outfit.  This consists of a dark blue shirt, matching pants and a thick leather belt equipped with all the tools needed to fix whatever.  He asked me to try my key card.  Ha!  Did he realize who i was and what poor luck i’d been having with key cards?  I shrugged my shoulders saying, “Sure,” confident of his impending disappointment.  I slid the card in and out looking back at him in anticipation of his facial expression.  It was my expression, though, that was the surprise.  The green light lit up immediately.  “Wow!  That’s never worked the first time!” I exclaimed.  One elevator ride of technology operating bliss.  One.  The machines are good at teasing.

Even the printers at work mock me.  One of them keeps giving me trouble by jamming every page.  I’ll send something to the printer…it will jam on the first page.  I’ll fix it and after recalculating and adjusting, it prints the first page.  The second one, however, gets jammed and i have to again, pull the paper from the printer’s innards and get it regoing.  I imagine it’s somewhat like surgery, only the printer tells you exactly what to open, which knobs to turn and a graphic display highlighting the jammed area.

I have somewhat of a reputation for having computer issues that no one else has ever had.  I like to think of it as providing a challenging opportunity to an otherwise boring day.  I think i have some sort of aura that’s interfering with technology’s magnetism.  For the last month i’ve had an issue not even the developers of the software could figure out.  I recently found out another colleague was having the same issue.  “Really?!  That’s awesome!”  I know she didn’t think it was awesome, and the problem is actually quite frustrating, but i was so delighted to find someone else who shared my issue.

My first attempt at using the microwave in my room almost resulted in the fire alarm going off.  I’m actually surprised it didn’t.  The microwave already had a burnt smell to it when i opened the door as if warning me this was not going to end well.  I tossed in a bag of popcorn, set the timer and went back to whatever it was i was doing.  After a few minutes, i realized i should have been hearing popping noises from the kitchen.  That was my usual cue to stand guard until all the kernels had popped.  I bent down, human eye to smoking microwave eye, squinting to see through the haze of smoke.  The bag still lay flat, a big burn hole on one side.  I quickly opened the door, sending smoke billowing out.  The microwave aimed for my face with precision.  I waved my hands in front of my face to disperse it and quickly shut the door again.  I ran to the window and opened it hoping a draft would send the smoke running.  No breeze.  I used the hotel guidebook as a fan to get some of the smoke out of the kitchen and away from the smoke detector, staring at it to see if it was also going to unleash hatred upon me by going off.  I couldn’t believe there was so much smoke!  And there was still some trapped in the microwave.  I turned on the oven fan and every half hour or so, opened the microwave door long enough to let out a little smoke until it was all gone and my room no longer looked like it was near the top of a mountain.

Even tonight i had technical difficulty with my lappy.  It is aware of this post and is making every effort to stop me from publishing it, i just know it.  I really needed to do some work back at the hotel, so i followed my normal routine of getting logged in while i put on my pjs.  When i tried logging on to the hotel’s website, i got the “try again” message.  i tried again.  and again.  and again.  I restarted thinking my lappy just had a momentary bout of amnesia.  The restart didn’t work either, so i called for help.  I was connected with IT support who told me to restart my lappy.  I humored him, even though i had just done this to know avail.  Since my lappy takes near ten minutes to restart (which is normal for a laptop, i’ve been told) he told me to call back if i again had problems.  It still didn’t work, so i called back. 

He must have been away, because i waited another half-hour before calling again.  The front desk tried his cell phone, but he wasn’t answering.  They hate me.  They all hate me.  Why today of all days?  After another hour and a half, i called again.  This time they connected me.  “Did you restart you computer?” he asked me.  I tried to sound polite, but my patience was paper-thin.  I finally convinced him to come look at the problem in person.  Five minutes later my doorbell rang.  “Do i have your permission to operate your laptop?” he asked.  “Have at it.”  I’d left the screen up with the offending error.  He closed the window, opened a new one and input my logon and password info.  He was connected immediately.  See, technology does hate me!  It doesn’t work for me for three hours, than BAM, he’s in?  I’m sure he thought i was crazy.  Yep, i’m just that crazy lady with the dragon tattoo.  Oi!

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Responses

  1. The bit with the laptop happened to me all the time. They would come to my room and then it worked immediately…you guys really should have had them set you up with the constant connection so you never had to log in! I loved it.


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