Posted by: neblinoso | February 9, 2010

This Little Light of Mine

is burning out.  I have been so incredibly stressed out for the past few weeks.  I hope it hasn’t turned me into a monster of some sort, cuz often times when i get to that breaking point, anyone in my wake can feel it.  I apologize if that happened.  I don’t mean it.  I just lack all other ability to sensor and contain myself. 

It’s not just work that is stressing me out, although many of the reasons do stem from my job situation.  It’s my last week here and i’m trying to come to some terms with that.  Every time this thought pops into my head, i just push it back and tell myself i’ll think about it later.  Well, later has arrived and it’s going to happen and i don’t want it to be this soon.  I feel like i’ve barely had a chance to hang out with people.  And i’m extremely jealous of those who get to stay on and have fun without me, while i return to the snow-ladden lands of Cleveland.

I’m also stressing because i have some tough decisions to make about my future and i really don’t feel prepared to make them.  I haven’t been able to focus on anything but work.  I don’t even have time to jot down the questions i have.  I certainly feel equipped with the ability to make this decision, but when it comes down to it, i am completely indecisive.  I suppose making hard decisions is what makes you an adult and this makes me yearn to be a child again, where, even if i didn’t like it, many of my decisions were made for me by my parents or other adults.  Being an adult is hard.

I’ve also been feeling so incredibly lonely lately.  I know i am not alone and that people love me and what not, but sometimes all the people in the world can’t make you feel better.  I don’t know if this is part of the stress or just another battle i need to fight.  Perhaps it’s all this Valentine’s Day crap and my desire to be with someone even though i don’t feel ready to be with anyone.  I am mad at myself for allowing these thoughts to weaken me. I just hate being sad about something i really have no control over. 

I feel i am at a crossroads with life and down one way is the new, exciting life that will lead me to a land of sweet, blissful happiness and never-ending joy and the other path takes me to a life of regret and repetition of mistakes.  And this all hinges on my job situation.  I’ve pulled my hair out trying to weigh the possibilities.  It’s not like a choose your own adventure book when you pick the wrong page to turn to and you end up dead.  You can always flip back again and choose the other way and there’s no harm done.  If i choose the wrong life path, it will take me even longer to 1) realize i made the wrong choice and 2) go back to that first page where i made the wrong decision.  And at that point there will be two completely new choices and i’ll be back in the same boat again.  Aaahhhhhh!

My life is full of these dizzying ruminations, which causes me to ponder why do i think like this?  Why do i make it so difficult and if it’s not really difficult than why doesn’t it seem easier?  i could go on, but then this post would never end.

The power is about to go off here and then i will be left in the dark….to ponder the dark.

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Responses

  1. I don’t know if I’d say there are wrong paths or right paths in life. There are different paths. There will be good things and not-so-good things regardless of the path you choose. There will be people you meet on each path that you would never have met, experiences you will have that you would never have had if you chose the other path.

  2. I can’t promise that I’ll be able to help you ponder. But I can certainly listen to you while you ponder over things. And that’s one more thing that will get inside my ears aside from the songs I always listen to. You’ve got two more ears to hear you out aside from your own. 🙂


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